My Heart is Stretching

Guys, growing up is hard sometimes.


That's right, my first post back in almost a year is a serious one, sorry. :)


Lately I feel like I've been caught smack in the middle of who I was two years ago and who I am rapidly becoming. A friend and I were catching up over a beer recently and the first words out of her mouth were "Well, your life has changed drastically over the last year!". I quickly agreed but realized I hadn't given nearly the thought deserved to the massive transitions I'm going through right now. 

I'm graduated with absolutely no intention of returning to school. I'm engaged to a man who I'm fairly certain was made for me. I live in Bothell, BOTHELL. I have CAR SEATS and granola bar wrappers in my car at this very second (Alright, the wrappers are mine, but you get the point.). Due to extremely low hours at my current position I'm basically a housewife.

Woah.

I think I have growing pains. I remember a few years through elementary and middle school I would grow so fast my body would just ache to the point of near paralysis. Don't worry, if anything is growing on my body it's definitely my little beer belly, nothing else. When I was younger I would be so excited knowing the pain meant I would stretch just a little bit taller and my already lanky legs would push me just a little bit higher, but the pain was present and undeniable. 

Emotionally, this is the best image I can relate to the way I'm feeling right now. Guys, I'm actually becoming an adult. Not just in my behaviors but in my heart I can feel my priorities and wants changing; and that's so very exciting. However, it hurts to realize there are things I just simply won't be doing anymore. It doesn't necessarily make sense to drive to Seattle to spend every day with my friends. I have two small people in my life that are important to me and mean the absolute world to my fiance, so our relationship really isn't simply our own. Sometimes it sucks ASS needing to prioritize putting gas in your car than going out for a beer. 

Most importantly, I'm realizing, I can't rely on anybody in my life to completely fulfill me. I'm learning it's important to spend time with myself and cultivate a relationship with myself. Similarly to my previous post (which I'm noticing this post is sounding more and more akin to as I progress), it simply isn't fair to expect or even hope for another person to make me a better Stephanie. Just like I couldn't hope for anyone else to be able to alleviate my growing pains. The care I needed could only be given by myself. 

Something my mother thought strange at the time, I didn't like to take pain-killers when my body would ache from all that growing. I like to think it helped me stay connected to my body. I knew why I was in pain and, while it didn't feel good, it felt satisfying to feel and know the change happening. Similarly, while I don't want to wallow or throw a pity-party for myself (Unless it involves beer, pizza and Full House reruns, then I'm IN.), but after identifying the source of my emotional distraught I want to allow myself to experience my growing pains however they manifest themselves. If they make me happy, awesome! If they make me want to curl up with Squeak and watch five hours of Grey's Anatomy (WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO APRIL?!?!) that's fine too. I truly think allowing myself to experience this transition as it happens and to become more self-aware of my feelings and my reactions will help me better deal with whatever transitions and growing pains come up next in my life.

Thanks for reading the triumphant return of our blog. Squeak will be discussing his transition to living with wall-to-wall carpeting and small children once I discover how to work this thing on my phone or whenever my laptop gets fixed :)

Stay tuned!

And you thought you weren't getting a Squeak shot.

Waiting for my real life to begin...

Dear loyal readers,

If there are any of you left I'm thoroughly impressed with your patience, this poor blog has been more neglected and put aside than my nintendogs puppies.

Luckily, a blog won't get hungry, dirty and run away from home like a nintendog puppy.

Things have happened the last couple of months, big things! I graduated, got divorced, moved in with a friend and a bunch of other neat stuff. I'm sure I'll write about these things at some point, but my focus over the last couple of weeks has been my general dissatisfaction with where my life is right at this point.

Sooooo that being said I want a change in my perspective. I want to be fearless. I want to face the tough things and take time to invest in myself and make myself into the grown-up shaped thing I'd like to be.

1) Get a career-like job
With my time at my internship drawing to a close I recently gave my full time availability to Starbucks. I then proceeded to cry into a glass of cheap heady Rainier. I've been at Starbucks for about five years now and it's been good to me. The three stores I've called my own have been a source of income, friendship, incredible social support, and an ungodly amount of coffee. I'm not about to bitch about a full time source of employment when so many people are struggling to make ends meet, Starbucks just isn't where I want to have a career.

The application process has been scary at best. I've never applied for jobs that I thought I might not get. Yeah I'm really well trained, I have experience and I think I'm a pretty good therapist. But so are a lot of other people. A wise man once said "no matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you". I don't say this pessimistically, I say this because it's true. Yes, I'm good at what I do, but I'm no special snowflake and there are literally hundreds of recently graduated therapists looking for jobs. I'm not a competitive person, and I'm not picky, I just want a job where I can be a therapist and get my hours toward getting licensed.

2) Be able to budget my finances so that I can put some money into savings every month.
I've always been a little loose with my money. It's rarely bitten me in the ass, which is why I haven't generally put a lot of effort into my financial planning. This is really the first time in my life when I have been completely responsible for my own financial well-being. I don't have a husband or a mom or a bg fat student loan check to support me.

It sucks. And it's scary. And I'm ridiculously frustrated that I'm almost 28 years old and I find it startlingly difficult to plan my finances. I guess we all have to do it sometime.

3) Have the ability to fully invest in a mature, romantic relationship.
Since my divorce, my attempts at relationships has been an awesome little emotional roller coaster that has left me crying in bed with Squeak watching way too much Grey's Anatomy for ANYONE'S good. Sordid details aside, I'm just tired of my dating life being dramatic. There's a guy in my life who's pretty damn important to me. We've talked about things like moving in and getting married, but recently the reality of those ideas were hitting us like a ton of bricks and we're taking time to reevaluate whether or not we can handle that reality.

I don't want to assume we'll break over this. I don't want to pull away to protect my feelings. I have hope that this is a step in our relationship that will make us stronger in the long run. I want to have patience and maturity and spend this time supporting the person I love and investing time in myself so that I'll be a more confident and self-assured person.

I've always been a future-thinker when it comes to relationships. I want to be married, I want to have a baby, and I WANT IT NOW. It's hard for me to live in the present and it's simply too much pressure to put marriage talk on a four month relationship. It's tough to balance, I know what I want, I don't want it now, but I don't want to waste my time if it's not going to happen, but I want to have patience.

Ugh. Any advice on that one?

4) Take time for self-care.
I see types of self-care. The first is holing up in bed, trolling facebook and watching shitty Disney channel movies trying to comfort yourself after a bad day.

Guys, I'm real good at this type of self-care.

It's good every once in awhile, and it's even better with the addition of cheap red wine, but it does very little to actually better myself as a person.

The second kind takes a little more work. It's the kind of self-care where I actually make an effort to take care of myself. Eating healthy, being active, nourishing myself spiritually, expressing myself creatively, this is the over-achieving big sister type of self-care that I think is the most important.

I'm feeling a bit down about myself and I'm finally realizing that it's nobody's job to pick myself back up but me.

And maybe Squeak's.

Oh! And you've been so good to read through my whole blog, here's a picture of Squeak doing his gangsta' lean

He's so street

Reframe!

A good friend of mine recently posted a blog consisting entirely of non-contextual pictures. The unexplained little snapshots of her life were so open and vulnerable but open to interpretation at the same time and I loved it. 

So I'm doing the same thing. I keep forgetting the good things in my life so I wanted to put up a little reminder.

Songs and Such

I thought I was getting over these "bad divorce days" but here we are. 11AM still in bed with the hedgehog.

At least I don't have a beer.

Yet.

I've been thinking lately, there are a lot of songs I've been coming across of as of late that strike that one chord and make that nearly forgotten about lump in my throat that I thought I'd learned to manage, but here we are. In bed. at 11. So, I'm not feeling very creative about this, and there's no discernible order, I've just been milling it around in my head for awhile so I thought I'd get it out, and just cry for a majority of my day. 

Bring on the pain!!

1) King of Wishful Thinking:

"I'll get over you I know I will/I'll pretend my ships not sinking/And I'll tell myself I'm over you/cause Im the king of wishful thinking"

How apropos...I know this is a cheezy 80's song but I love it and the upbeat nature almost makes up for the fact that the lyrics are heartbreaking. This is a New Found Glory cover, I couldn't find a youtube of the original with the lyrics in the video.

2) Take it all Away (Cake):

"You keep pushin' me away/In spite of what you say/I found out yesterday /That I've/Been wastin' all my time/Tryin' to make you smile/Tryin' to make this seem worth while/You've been pushin' me around/In spite of/what I do/Tryin' to make things good for you"

A lyric from this song ("Go, take your economy car and your suitcase...") was actually the facebook post I made after Mike physically left me. I've listened to a lot of Cake and they have a lot of good breakup songs but this one just tops it for me.

3) Hung Up (Madonna)

"Every little thing that you say or do/I'm hung up/I'm hung up on you/Waiting for your call baby night and day/I'm fed up/I'm tired of waiting on you"

I'm not a patient person. Anyone who's known me for more than five minutes will learn this. I HATE waiting for calls or plans or texts. This has been an issue for me in the last two relationships I've been in. I'm also not a huge Madonna fan, but I heard this on my Pandora mix and it's been in my head ever since.

4) Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac)

"If I could/Maybe I'd give you my world/How can I/When you won't take it from me"

I've heard this song a lot, it's one of my favorites, but I'd always hoped it would never apply to me. The lyrics are so simple and Stevie Nicks' voice is so emotive; I'd felt like she let me empathize with her but I never ever wanted to sympathize. But, here we are.

I feel ya, Stevie.

5) The Cave (Mumford and Sons)

"So make your siren's call/And sing all you want/I will not hear what you have to say/Cause I need freedom now/And I need to know how/To live my life as it's meant to be"

I have NO idea what the band was intending when they wrote this song but I could have put every lyric on here, it makes so much sense. I actually dubbed this my "divorce song". I would burst into tears when I heard it, I can pretty much listen to it now, but these lovely Scottish men basically sang everything I've been thinking in lovelier words.

And banjos. Squeak digs the banjo.

6) The Story (Brandi Carlile)

"And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed/They don't know my head is a mess/No, they don't know who I really am/And they don't know what I've been through like you do/And I was made for you..."

This is a beautiful love song. It's definitely not a breakup song, but it hits me like a suckerpunch every time I hear it (THANK YOU, Grey's Anatomy). This is what I want SO badly, and I thought I had it. I want someone to sing this to, and to mean it. I don't believe in soul mates, at least not anymore, but I want someone who knows what I've been through and still loves me in spite of it.

Good God I want that.

7) Someone Like You (Adele)

"Never mind I'll find someone like you/I wish nothing but the best for you two/Don't forget me I beg/I remember you said/"Sometimes it lasts in love/But sometimes it hurts instead.""

Holy God that song hurts. and I KEEP GOD DAMN HEARING IT EVERYWHERE!!! (THANK YOU Starbucks AND Grey's Anatomy)

The last two men I loved left because they didn't want to be in a relationship. One of them now is. But the last two lines are so painfully true and it makes me so terrified to open up my heart again. I can't really say much more than this. song. just. hurts.

8) You Oughta Know (Alanis Morrisette) 

"And I'm here to remind you/Of the mess you left when you went away/It's not fair to deny me/Of the cross I bear that you gave to me/You, you, you oughta know"

Oh come on, you all knew this was coming. Granted I didn't have Uncle Joey leave me for someone older and less angsty (and probably less Canadian) than me, but I can completely relate with wanting to tell someone off when they completely screwed you over. In both of my breakups I've done my best to "be the bigger person" and, while I don't regret my choices, there are times when I would really like to say something like "Hey, I'm an awesome person and you are a Goddamn idiot for letting me go and I hope your life sucks and I hope you miss me because I am worth being missed" and other such things. 

But I don't.

Because I know in the long run it won't help.

And I can't whine as good as Alanis.

Well, that's the list. There are more, trust me, and I'm sure new one's will surface (I'm lookin' at YOU, Adele), but right now, I need a beer.

I really need to do this "processing" thing at a more convenient time...

Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. Maybe that's why I haven't been writing. Maybe it's why I should be writing. I don't know if it's God or my own brain that's bringing all this up to the forefront now, but either way I've been questioning a lot and not really coming up with any concrete answers. 

I should not be in a relationship. At least not a single committed one. I've had timeframes thrown in my face about how I should wait one year, two years, half the relationship, whatever - and I honestly think they're all bullshit. 

I refuse to put a hard timeline on entering into my next emotionally committed relationship. If I do, I run the risk of closing myself off to experiences that could be really good for me. If I'd done this already, I would have missed out on an amazingly supportive relationship with a good man. While it was messy and I probably wasn't fully ready for it, I would not have traded that time for anything.

My bottom line is, I want to be a whole person for the next time I enter into a committed "boyfriend/girlfriend" buying flowers just because and talking on the phone every night kind of relationship. Right now, I'm not whole. I'm broken and I know it. My divorce is at the forefront of my mind and it taints everything in my existence. It IS my story right now. 

I hate this. I want nothing more than to move on from my marriage, internalize and learn what I can from the experience and become a stronger, better woman because of it. Right now, I'm messy, insecure, and unsure of what I want for the future. I want have my shit together, have a good sense of self and know where I'm going in my life.

I'm not there yet, I will be, but I'm not. And that's ok. 

Really, it's OK.

I also need some time to focus on myself. I have given this advice to SO many of my friends, yet it's nearly impossible for me to swallow my own pill. When I'm in a relationship, I naturally put the other person ahead of myself. I actually really value this tendency of mine, but right now I'm in no place to place my focus on anyone but myself. I haven't REALLY done this for myself in probably about 10 years. I'm about to graduate with a masters degree. In a career path that I've chosen and I'm excited about. If I can't focus on my own needs right now, I'll never learn to. 

So...what does this all mean? I'll live my life the best I can until I feel like I'm ready to be someone's good, whole, happy, non-messy, awesome girlfriend. I might date, I might not. Right now, I'm going to focus on making myself a better person and loving the people I already have around me.

Ok I'm gonna go to couples class now and try to keep it together.

Here's a picture of Squeak

bathtime is FUN!!!

I'll have to post a picture of him swimming soon...

Dating Websites

Guys, dating sites are weird...seriously.

Back when mammoths roamed the Earth (Seeing as though I wasn't dating QUITE as far back as when Velociraptors were a feasible death option.) and I was last a blushing lass accepting favors from gentlemen callers, online dating was a taboo.

Ok it was only eight years ago or so, but seriously, if you met someone online, you were flat out weird. People would receive similar looks and placating responses to this option then as they would to finding out a relationship blossomed through World of Warcraft now.

Don't act like you didn't just make that slightly disgusted face, I know you did.

Anyway, so I know sites like okcupid and eharmony are well respected ways to meet viable stock, I'm just having a tough time reconciling the "weird" factor in my head and the "totally cool and acceptable" reality that every single person I've shared my repulsion with thinks.

Long story short, I have joined the following dating websites:

OkCupid
eharmony
plentyoffish
ChristianMingle

Plenty of Fish can only be described as the myspace of dating websites. It could also be described as the douchey frat-bar of dating websites. I liken my experience, messages, and "matches" to the kind of guy you see at a bar that has 20 taps of delicious microbrew and who swaggers up with his pink popped collar and his spiked-frosted hair drinking Bud Light out of an aluminum bottle saying "Hey babe you look hot, wanna hook up?".

I kid you not, I looked this up AFTER making the description

Gross. I should really delete my profile.

Christian Mingle is nice, and it takes care of one of my core requirements to be the next Mr. DuCette which is being computer literate. Haha just kidding, it's being a Christian, although I'd be a little concerned if my next husband didn't know how to use facebook. I don't have much to say about this site because I haven't spent a whole lot of time on it. I made the initial investment, answered all the little "matchy" questions and got all nice and set up. Oh hey there Christian Mingle, you have matches for me? Thanks! That's so sweet of you to do that work for me! Oh, you're gonna let me check them out? Awesome! Hey, this guy looks nice, I'll just send him a little message and --YOU MUST UPGRADE AND PAY 8 MILLION DOLLARS OR YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD TO PROCEED -- dumb. Christian Mingle, YOU are the so so sweet, good natured Christian tease that I was in high school.

Karma's a bitch.

I just signed up for eharmony and it isn't too bad so far. I sank a bunch of money into it for the next six months so I guess I have to like it at least a little. My only problem with it so far is that, while it is matching me up with Christian men, they are very very Christian. Maybe this just looks a little intimidating in text but someone saying "I want a woman who is passionate about Christ above all else" is a little bit intimidating. Maybe we want the same things, I just don't word them so... exuberantly? Plus I'm supposed to have "guided conversation" for the first few interactions. STOP MAKING ME EXHIBIT PATIENCE EHARMONY!!!

I'm not a patient lady.

Now comes OkCupid. This is the site I've been with the longest and had some mild success with. It's free (bonus), it matches you with people, and it also lets you search for people that YOU might think you match with. Thank you, OkCupid for letting me think for myself, love Stephanie. Now I've actually gone on dates with two guys I met from this site. One was pretty successful. I've had two dates with this guy and he seems nice and I'm excited to get to know him better. Oh, and he has an accent which is always a plus :). The other guy was picture perfect on paper. He is a Christian and involved with his church, he's funny, he wants to settle down and have kids in the relative near future, he's good looking, he is perfect on paper. The date? It was fun, low-key, I enjoyed myself, but there just wasn't that spark that I was hoping for. This is my growing fear with online dating and maybe dating in general, what looks good on paper doesn't always translate to a good date. I wanted to like this guy SO badly, but you can't make that happen, even if you try really really hard.

My life would be so much easier if I could just be logical. Stupid emotions.

Anyway, I'll wrap up because this is getting long-winded but I wanna close with just a simple list of things I've noticed about guys on dating websites:

1) All the wittiest guys are athiest. I cannot TELL you how frustrating it is to look at a funny, clever, well-written profile and then BAM, athiest.

2) I don't care how hot you are, I don't want to know what you look like shirtless before I meet you. I don't know why but this is an insta-turnoff for me.

3) Please don't message me simply saying "you're cute" or especially "you're sexy". It's not flattering, it's just awkward.

4) Most importantly, please, PLEASE be honest about your height. If you're shorter than me, yeah I probably won't want to date long term (I know how shallow this sounds, but just let me have it), but it will be 10 times worse if I find out about it when I have to look down to you after you've told me you're 6'0".

Ohhhh what an adventure this will be...

Separation Anxiety

The time for swimming in cheap Canadian beer, feasting on Top Ramen and generally acting like a 19 year old has arrived. That's right friends, Big White is upon us. For those who are unawares of the magic surrounding the ski resort, just watch this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxzSHxz0Fjw

Incredible.

As I've gotten older and the demands on my time have become more strenuous, the five days I spend eating/drinking/snowboarding/sleeping/hottubbing/snowshoeing/drunken innertubing/ice skating/general gallivanting with friends have become really important for me to wind down after the holidays.

Two things are different about this trip up to the Great White North this time around. First and foremost, Mike won't be there this year (at least as of this writing he won't). Mike wasn't around for the first two years of the trip, but in the last five he has become a staple member of the Big White crew. I'm pretty ambivalent about his attendance personally, there are positives and negatives to each. If he did go, it could have been awkward and dramatic, or it could have been fine, or I could have ended up making out with him (Unlikely--although who knows what happens to a girl when she's got enough Kokanee and Poutine in her.). Since he's not coming, that whole "oh my gosh how are we gonna act around each other-this is weird-I don't know how to act around you" debacle will be nicely avoided. However, in the public eye, I can see how his absence could raise suspicion of drama that simply isn't there. Mike and I are actually on pretty good speaking terms (as far as I know) but it certainly looks like we can't stand to be in the same room together. In reality, I'm pretty sure all this means is I'm gonna have some 'splanin to do about how "We both love you very very much, but Mike and Stephanie have decided to not love each other in the same way".

It could get annoying, I'll probably cry, but I'm sure overall it will be fine. These people are my friends who I love.

The second difference, that I almost completely overlooked, is that I'm leaving a pet behind that actually needs consistent care while I'm gone. I can't just throw a time release cat food pellet in Squeak's paddock and hope for the best. So...he's going to stay at Grandma's!!

She's waited so long for a grandchild...

I'm not sure how's he's gonna take the change but, then again, I won't be dealing with it, Mom will. This morning as I was watching Squeak run around in the bathtub splashing and generally sputtering in the inch of water I filled for him, I realized I'm gonna miss that little bitch. He's been coming out of his spine-filled shell so much lately I'm sad to give him up for a few days

I know how to display my growing anguish at our separation

He's just spiny

I'm sure everything will be just fine, it's just that this is the longest we've been apart from each other since I got him. I'm gonna miss my tiny roommate.

SO!

In his place I've decided to tote about this little guy

Meet Squeak Scolari 2 (Budgie!)

Budgie is much more portable, friendly, soft, and legal to take over the border. He was a Christmas gift from a close friend who has exceptional taste in hedgehogs. He (Budgie, not the friend) will accompany me in my travels and I will document his participation in the Big White experience since Squeak will not be able to partake.

This will be fun :)