I really need to do this "processing" thing at a more convenient time...

Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. Maybe that's why I haven't been writing. Maybe it's why I should be writing. I don't know if it's God or my own brain that's bringing all this up to the forefront now, but either way I've been questioning a lot and not really coming up with any concrete answers. 

I should not be in a relationship. At least not a single committed one. I've had timeframes thrown in my face about how I should wait one year, two years, half the relationship, whatever - and I honestly think they're all bullshit. 

I refuse to put a hard timeline on entering into my next emotionally committed relationship. If I do, I run the risk of closing myself off to experiences that could be really good for me. If I'd done this already, I would have missed out on an amazingly supportive relationship with a good man. While it was messy and I probably wasn't fully ready for it, I would not have traded that time for anything.

My bottom line is, I want to be a whole person for the next time I enter into a committed "boyfriend/girlfriend" buying flowers just because and talking on the phone every night kind of relationship. Right now, I'm not whole. I'm broken and I know it. My divorce is at the forefront of my mind and it taints everything in my existence. It IS my story right now. 

I hate this. I want nothing more than to move on from my marriage, internalize and learn what I can from the experience and become a stronger, better woman because of it. Right now, I'm messy, insecure, and unsure of what I want for the future. I want have my shit together, have a good sense of self and know where I'm going in my life.

I'm not there yet, I will be, but I'm not. And that's ok. 

Really, it's OK.

I also need some time to focus on myself. I have given this advice to SO many of my friends, yet it's nearly impossible for me to swallow my own pill. When I'm in a relationship, I naturally put the other person ahead of myself. I actually really value this tendency of mine, but right now I'm in no place to place my focus on anyone but myself. I haven't REALLY done this for myself in probably about 10 years. I'm about to graduate with a masters degree. In a career path that I've chosen and I'm excited about. If I can't focus on my own needs right now, I'll never learn to. 

So...what does this all mean? I'll live my life the best I can until I feel like I'm ready to be someone's good, whole, happy, non-messy, awesome girlfriend. I might date, I might not. Right now, I'm going to focus on making myself a better person and loving the people I already have around me.

Ok I'm gonna go to couples class now and try to keep it together.

Here's a picture of Squeak

bathtime is FUN!!!

I'll have to post a picture of him swimming soon...