If there are any of you left I'm thoroughly impressed with your patience, this poor blog has been more neglected and put aside than my nintendogs puppies.
Luckily, a blog won't get hungry, dirty and run away from home like a nintendog puppy.
Things have happened the last couple of months, big things! I graduated, got divorced, moved in with a friend and a bunch of other neat stuff. I'm sure I'll write about these things at some point, but my focus over the last couple of weeks has been my general dissatisfaction with where my life is right at this point.
Sooooo that being said I want a change in my perspective. I want to be fearless. I want to face the tough things and take time to invest in myself and make myself into the grown-up shaped thing I'd like to be.
1) Get a career-like job
With my time at my internship drawing to a close I recently gave my full time availability to Starbucks. I then proceeded to cry into a glass of cheap heady Rainier. I've been at Starbucks for about five years now and it's been good to me. The three stores I've called my own have been a source of income, friendship, incredible social support, and an ungodly amount of coffee. I'm not about to bitch about a full time source of employment when so many people are struggling to make ends meet, Starbucks just isn't where I want to have a career.
The application process has been scary at best. I've never applied for jobs that I thought I might not get. Yeah I'm really well trained, I have experience and I think I'm a pretty good therapist. But so are a lot of other people. A wise man once said "no matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you". I don't say this pessimistically, I say this because it's true. Yes, I'm good at what I do, but I'm no special snowflake and there are literally hundreds of recently graduated therapists looking for jobs. I'm not a competitive person, and I'm not picky, I just want a job where I can be a therapist and get my hours toward getting licensed.
2) Be able to budget my finances so that I can put some money into savings every month.
I've always been a little loose with my money. It's rarely bitten me in the ass, which is why I haven't generally put a lot of effort into my financial planning. This is really the first time in my life when I have been completely responsible for my own financial well-being. I don't have a husband or a mom or a bg fat student loan check to support me.
It sucks. And it's scary. And I'm ridiculously frustrated that I'm almost 28 years old and I find it startlingly difficult to plan my finances. I guess we all have to do it sometime.
3) Have the ability to fully invest in a mature, romantic relationship.
Since my divorce, my attempts at relationships has been an awesome little emotional roller coaster that has left me crying in bed with Squeak watching way too much Grey's Anatomy for ANYONE'S good. Sordid details aside, I'm just tired of my dating life being dramatic. There's a guy in my life who's pretty damn important to me. We've talked about things like moving in and getting married, but recently the reality of those ideas were hitting us like a ton of bricks and we're taking time to reevaluate whether or not we can handle that reality.
I don't want to assume we'll break over this. I don't want to pull away to protect my feelings. I have hope that this is a step in our relationship that will make us stronger in the long run. I want to have patience and maturity and spend this time supporting the person I love and investing time in myself so that I'll be a more confident and self-assured person.
I've always been a future-thinker when it comes to relationships. I want to be married, I want to have a baby, and I WANT IT NOW. It's hard for me to live in the present and it's simply too much pressure to put marriage talk on a four month relationship. It's tough to balance, I know what I want, I don't want it now, but I don't want to waste my time if it's not going to happen, but I want to have patience.
Ugh. Any advice on that one?
4) Take time for self-care.
I see types of self-care. The first is holing up in bed, trolling facebook and watching shitty Disney channel movies trying to comfort yourself after a bad day.
Guys, I'm real good at this type of self-care.
It's good every once in awhile, and it's even better with the addition of cheap red wine, but it does very little to actually better myself as a person.
The second kind takes a little more work. It's the kind of self-care where I actually make an effort to take care of myself. Eating healthy, being active, nourishing myself spiritually, expressing myself creatively, this is the over-achieving big sister type of self-care that I think is the most important.
I'm feeling a bit down about myself and I'm finally realizing that it's nobody's job to pick myself back up but me.
And maybe Squeak's.
Oh! And you've been so good to read through my whole blog, here's a picture of Squeak doing his gangsta' lean
He's so street
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