That's right, my first post back in almost a year is a serious one, sorry. :)
Lately I feel like I've been caught smack in the middle of who I was two years ago and who I am rapidly becoming. A friend and I were catching up over a beer recently and the first words out of her mouth were "Well, your life has changed drastically over the last year!". I quickly agreed but realized I hadn't given nearly the thought deserved to the massive transitions I'm going through right now.
I'm graduated with absolutely no intention of returning to school. I'm engaged to a man who I'm fairly certain was made for me. I live in Bothell, BOTHELL. I have CAR SEATS and granola bar wrappers in my car at this very second (Alright, the wrappers are mine, but you get the point.). Due to extremely low hours at my current position I'm basically a housewife.
Woah.
I think I have growing pains. I remember a few years through elementary and middle school I would grow so fast my body would just ache to the point of near paralysis. Don't worry, if anything is growing on my body it's definitely my little beer belly, nothing else. When I was younger I would be so excited knowing the pain meant I would stretch just a little bit taller and my already lanky legs would push me just a little bit higher, but the pain was present and undeniable.
Emotionally, this is the best image I can relate to the way I'm feeling right now. Guys, I'm actually becoming an adult. Not just in my behaviors but in my heart I can feel my priorities and wants changing; and that's so very exciting. However, it hurts to realize there are things I just simply won't be doing anymore. It doesn't necessarily make sense to drive to Seattle to spend every day with my friends. I have two small people in my life that are important to me and mean the absolute world to my fiance, so our relationship really isn't simply our own. Sometimes it sucks ASS needing to prioritize putting gas in your car than going out for a beer.
Most importantly, I'm realizing, I can't rely on anybody in my life to completely fulfill me. I'm learning it's important to spend time with myself and cultivate a relationship with myself. Similarly to my previous post (which I'm noticing this post is sounding more and more akin to as I progress), it simply isn't fair to expect or even hope for another person to make me a better Stephanie. Just like I couldn't hope for anyone else to be able to alleviate my growing pains. The care I needed could only be given by myself.
Something my mother thought strange at the time, I didn't like to take pain-killers when my body would ache from all that growing. I like to think it helped me stay connected to my body. I knew why I was in pain and, while it didn't feel good, it felt satisfying to feel and know the change happening. Similarly, while I don't want to wallow or throw a pity-party for myself (Unless it involves beer, pizza and Full House reruns, then I'm IN.), but after identifying the source of my emotional distraught I want to allow myself to experience my growing pains however they manifest themselves. If they make me happy, awesome! If they make me want to curl up with Squeak and watch five hours of Grey's Anatomy (WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO APRIL?!?!) that's fine too. I truly think allowing myself to experience this transition as it happens and to become more self-aware of my feelings and my reactions will help me better deal with whatever transitions and growing pains come up next in my life.
Thanks for reading the triumphant return of our blog. Squeak will be discussing his transition to living with wall-to-wall carpeting and small children once I discover how to work this thing on my phone or whenever my laptop gets fixed :)
Stay tuned!
And you thought you weren't getting a Squeak shot.
